Steven Seagal sex toy allegations
I just everyone to know that Steven Seagal never once tried to have sex with me.
He never checked my breasts for lumps.
He never wanted massages.
And he never raped me.
As for other people, like say employees and ex-wives, I cannot say.
If he did these things, he is a cunt.
If not, he is a poor bastard.
Steven Seagal fictional Lawman episode 8 – Manners
The team is cruising about in the sunshine just loving life.
Occasionally their razor sharp wit is interjected by excited youngsters yelling out, “that’s Steven Seagal”.
After a while they see an old car driving erratically, they decide to pull it over.
“Making sure people drive in a safe manner is an important thing, most people that drive cars treat the roads with respect, but every now and then we have to remind the odd person.”
Steven walks over to the car in question.
“Hi sister”.
Then a hand comes out from the car; the middle finger is erect and aimed directly at Steven Seagal.
In the car the other sheriffs start to laugh.
“Oh lady, there is no need to do that”.
She refuses to put her finger away, so Steven grabs her finger, unbuckling her seatbelt in the same move, and drags her from the car.
He then goes about beating the woman, early 60s, with her own finger.
It isn’t a normal beating, like he would give to ninjas, but he is definitely giving her a whipping with her own finger, be carful not to break her aging bones.
When Steven sees her finger start to bruise from the consistent knocks against her own skill he lets it go, and almost straight away the woman aplogises.
“Part of being a sheriff isn’t just arresting bad guys and keeping the streets safe, it is also about teaching people the correct way to act. I am lucky through my martial arts training I learnt respect, for myself and for others, but some people never do, so you give them a helping hand. I doubt that this woman will ever flip off another sheriff”.
The episode ends with one of the other sheriffs saying, “I think that was JCVD’s mom”. They all laugh.
Seagal quotes to live by
“As a Buddhist I don’t like to kill anything I don’t have to”.
Steven said that in the Rodent killing episode.
And other than hench men, supervillians, and the odd capitalist who is ruining the environment, he keeps his word.
If you love the man, perhaps you should abide by this mantra.
Steven Seagal fictional Lawman episode 7 – Predictable Animal Wrestling
One of the aired episodes includes a scene where Steven feeds a 10 foot Alligator.
Now you know where this is going, and the episode is so obvious I won’t even tell you what happened in the un-aired episodes.
But Steven did say this.
“As a martial arts practitioner I have to keep my skills tight. Fighting humans is fine, but in the end, you need to fight the ultimate killing machine. Alligators are beautiful animals, but they are designed to kill you. About once a month I try and wrestle with them. I’m always quite safe, but you never know which way it will go. I feel honoured that I can do this. As a Buddhist I do my best not to kill the Alligator, I can’t say he is thinking the same thing. They are usually far from zen in a fight, but that is my advantage. As an Aikido expert I can do this, but I wouldn’t suggest it for everyone. I would suggest that no untrained practitioners try this. Alligators are breathtaking killing machines, remember that kids. ”
maybe it was steven seagal
Here is a song in praise (almost) of Steven Seagal.
Who was that guy eating your pies, maybe it was Steven Seagal.
Steven Seagal fictional Lawman episode 6 – Mediatiton saves lives
This episode starts with Steven lighting some candles, putting a blanket on the floor.
“When I can I like to get into a deep meditative state. This relaxes and reloads me. It also gives me a chance to listen to the spiritual cries of those in trouble that the police of Jefferson Parish have not had a chance to save”.
Cut to Steven with a serene look on his face.
“I’d love to do this all the time, but life does get busy. There is the martial arts training, dog training, weapons training, films, soft drink, music and family. But once a week I like to just meditate, and if need be, save someone’s life”.
Steven’s ears prick up and the Eastern philosophy serenity is replaced with an alert look on his face.
Then Steven bolts from the room, and the camera crew try and follow him, but they can’t.
The next shot is at a home, as EMT services and other police officers turn up, and Steve carries an elderly woman out of her home.
He then puts her on the gurney, and tells everyone that she has fallen, and that she had been there for two days.
“The hardworking people at Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s office do as much as they can, but this lady had not called this in and sometimes I need to use what I was given to help people”.
The final shot is of Steven visiting the lady in the hospital and giving her a can of his Cherry Charge soft drink.
“Western medicine is fine, but the natural medicine in my drink might just be the extra that she needs for a speedy recover. Plus, it tastes great.”
Steven Seagal is God, and you are his student
You always suspected it, didn’t you.
Now he has confirmed it (not really, but in bad editing world)
I learnt from from one Seagal gaze than I did in my whole schooling career.
Steven Seagal Mountain Dew Ad
I love mountain dew.
I love Steven Seagal.
So the coming of them together was always going to be shit, like alien vs predator, pepsi bread.
But this isn’t.
It is my favourite Seagal video I have found so far.
Fuck I’m thirsty.
A vanity project
The Guardian has been talking about Lawman a fair bit.
Marina Hyde probably would have started this website if I hadn’t.
But others at the Guardian are not quite so in love with the show, they have just done a “review” on Steven Seagal Lawman for the saturday pop culture magazine.
They clearly take the piss out of our pony tailed protagonist, and then claim the show is just a a vanity project.
A VANITY PROJECT?
Saving the world one potential drug addict at a time is a vanity project?
Playing a concert for sick kids is a vanity project?
Painting the house of Hurricane heroes is a vanity project?
Saving his friend’s knee with acupuncture is a vanity project?
Training his dogs to attack strangers is a vanity project?
Saying “Get em” to speed up a high speed pursuit is a vanity project?
I think not.
The man is a fucking saviour, and the Guardian, Marina Hyde excluded, are kidding themselves if they think they can get away with this.
Look at all he has given us, people usually just entertain us in movies or become cops, they don’t do both.
And Steven now wants to combine entertainment and saving Jefferson Parish in one go.
That is truly awe-inspiring, and you’d have to be a cold person to think otherwise.
Steven, I, and all the other Lawman fans, thank you for giving us so much.
You hold the 7th degree of my heart. And I don’t give that honour easily.
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