the fictional steven seagal lawman episodes

The team is cruising about in the sunshine just loving life.

Occasionally their razor sharp wit is interjected by excited youngsters yelling out, “that’s Steven Seagal”.

After a while they see an old car driving erratically, they decide to pull it over.

“Making sure people drive in a safe manner is an important thing, most people that drive cars treat the roads with respect, but every now and then we have to remind the odd person.”

Steven walks over to the car in question.

“Hi sister”.

Then a hand comes out from the car; the middle finger is erect and aimed directly at Steven Seagal.

In the car the other sheriffs start to laugh.

“Oh lady, there is no need to do that”.

She refuses to put her finger away, so Steven grabs her finger, unbuckling her seatbelt in the same move, and drags her from the car.

He then goes about beating the woman, early 60s, with her own finger.

It isn’t a normal beating, like he would give to ninjas, but he is definitely giving her a whipping with her own finger, be carful not to break her aging bones.

When Steven sees her finger start to bruise from the consistent knocks against her own skill he lets it go, and almost straight away the woman aplogises.

“Part of being a sheriff isn’t just arresting bad guys and keeping the streets safe, it is also about teaching people the correct way to act. I am lucky through my martial arts training I learnt respect, for myself and for others, but some people never do, so you give them a helping hand. I doubt that this woman will ever flip off another sheriff”.

The episode ends with one of the other sheriffs saying, “I think that was JCVD’s mom”. They all laugh.

One of the aired episodes includes a scene where Steven feeds a 10 foot Alligator.

Now you know where this is going, and the episode is so obvious I won’t even tell you what happened in the un-aired episodes.

But Steven did say this.

“As a martial arts practitioner I have to keep my skills tight. Fighting humans is fine, but in the end, you need to fight the ultimate killing machine. Alligators are beautiful animals, but they are designed to kill you. About once a month I try and wrestle with them. I’m always quite safe, but you never know which way it will go. I feel honoured that I can do this. As a Buddhist I do my best not to kill the Alligator, I can’t say he is thinking the same thing. They are usually far from zen in a fight, but that is my advantage. As an Aikido expert I can do this, but I wouldn’t suggest it for everyone. I would suggest that no untrained practitioners try this. Alligators are breathtaking killing machines, remember that kids. ”

This episode starts with Steven lighting some candles, putting a blanket on the floor.

“When I can I like to get into a deep meditative state. This relaxes and reloads me. It also gives me a chance to listen to the spiritual cries of those in trouble that the police of Jefferson Parish have not had a chance to save”.

Cut to Steven with a serene look on his face.

“I’d love to do this all the time, but life does get busy. There is the martial arts training, dog training, weapons training, films, soft drink, music and family. But once a week I like to just meditate, and if need be, save someone’s life”.

Steven’s ears prick up and the Eastern philosophy serenity is replaced with an alert look on his face.

Then Steven bolts from the room, and the camera crew try and follow him, but they can’t.

The next shot is at a home, as EMT services and other police officers turn up, and Steve carries an elderly woman out of her home.

He then puts her on the gurney, and tells everyone that she has fallen, and that she had been there for two days.

“The hardworking people at Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s office do as much as they can, but this lady had not called this in and sometimes I need to use what I was given to help people”.

The final shot is of Steven visiting the lady in the hospital and giving her a can of his Cherry Charge soft drink.

“Western medicine is fine, but the natural medicine in my drink might just be the extra that she needs for a speedy recover. Plus, it tastes great.”

Of all the dudes you know, I know, and your mates know, Steven Seagal is the most zen.

He is way more zen than your doctor, or my mate Doyle.

But you can’t just be zen all the time, sometimes you’ve got to take out the trash.

In on of our episodes Steven and his team arrive at a house for a domestic disturbance.

The couple is fighting about life, love and lemons.

It isn’t a life threatening situation, but Steven and the team calm them down before it could escalate into something bad.  That is part of being a cop, as Steven explains, “that is part of being a cop”.

During his chat with the husband, Steven realises that the husband is a massive asshole. He tells Steven he hates his films, he thought Under Siege lacked originality, that he is sleeping with his wife’s sister, how he cheats at golf, he never tips, and that he doesn’t shower for days and then stands in hotel lifts. People are often this honest only in the company of superstars.

Steven is appalled, and tries to use zen in his conversation to change this guy, but he is too far gone.

Since there is nothing that can be done from a legal standpoint.  Steven has to leave.

The next few shots show Steven still angry over this guy, but in a variety of pursuits, in the car (he doesn’t shout get em in a car chase), getting a thai massage , at the opening of his new crisps line,  on his sofa, and  while playing monopoly with his family.

The next scene is Steven back in front of the house putting a mask on, he enters the house, grabs the dude by the nose, using only his little finger, and drags him into the backyard where he beats the dude for a full 7 hours.

If others did it, the dude would die, but Steven knows how to beat someone using the aikido teachings to that he can keep him alive and yet give him massive pain. Although Steven does stop for 12 minutes when he gets a stich.

At the end, as the dude is slumped up in his own blood puddle, Steven drops a letter on his chest.

The letter has a list of things that this dude needs to fix or the masked assailant will be back. Including shaving his goatee as it doesn’t really suit his face.

Steven then leaves the house and takes off his mask saying to camera, “sometimes karma needs a helping hand, and foot”.

Then he leaves and gets a hotdog, “Hey brother, can I get a hot dog”, he says to the hotdog vendor.

Hurricane Katrina was a bitch; I think Steven would agree with me on that.

That is why on some of the real episodes of the show you see Steven going to the homes of hardcore fans, one dude can’t even hold the camera still he is so nervous, to help them get their house together. In the episode Steven looks awkward painting and then gives them some plants.

It is a touching moment, and I really mean that.

No, really I do.

Oh, fuck you then, but I do mean it.

The episode they can’t show you, or for legal purposes, the fictional episode, is way cooler.

Steven doesn’t visit one house to help with painting, be builds five new dream houses in one afternoon, in the morning he trains some dogs.

The man is a wizard of home repair. He uses the aikido principles for construction and they are just as impressive as they were against Tommy Lee Jones.

He could have even made more houses, but in the 5th house something weird happened, while using his zenness to fix a plasterboard problem, he sensed evil in the air.

He turned and 24 ninjas were standing behind him. You or I would be shocked, but Steven is fucken Zen, and he starts taking down each ninja with the plasterboard.

Eventually that breaks, and Steven has enough time to apologise to the homeowners and vow to pay for any damage, before he picks up various tools and gets freaky on the ninjas’ asses.

He uses a hammer to crush one dude’s throat, uses a nail gun to crucify another, and then he gets freaky with a dues little toe and a monkey wrench.

Ninjas just continue to come at him, and he uses all of his martial arts skills, and some of his home renovating skills, to put them down.

Eventually all bar one of the ninjas is left, Steven drops the tools and they fight like martial arts trained men.

This is clearly the best of the Ninjas, hence why he stayed out of the contest to last, and their fight is extreme martial arts and goes on over two ad breaks.

The good ninja does well, but who can beat Steven, no one can, and the Ninja gets turned around while Steven breaks his leg with his little finger.

Steven then goes and gets a blowtorch, and the cameras briefly show the carnage in the rest of house as you can hear a muffled scream from where Steven and the good ninja turned up.

The next shot is Steven to camera,

“Well I have neutralised the threat, after some persuasive conversation the ninja master has told me that he was sent here by an Ex-President who wasn’t happy that we were re-building N’Orleans. I’ll deal with him at another time, I’m just happy I managed to save the house for the Thomsons, now I’ll call my boys down to pick up this mess while I continue the construction. I’m thinking Lilac for this wall.”

Then he continues to fix the house while there are dead or half dead ninjas all around him, he uses one as a step ladder to reach a corner.

As everyone knows Steven Seagal plays a can sing a song and jams a mean guitar riff. You can tell from the sweat on his forehead, the look of utter concentration on his face, and the stunning aural assault he pumps out.

One of the aired episodes they show Steven playing a charity show for fucked up children and ripping it up on stage.

Blues is his bag, brother.

He gives you a taste of his talent, but to give you Steven Unplugged, oh my, you couldn’t handle it.

So that gig we saw was just the filtered down version of what happened, because Steven is essentially Robert Johnson’s spirit reincarnate.

This wasn’t a mere charity concert; it was basically a competition to find the world’s best blues guitarist and singer.

Seagal was up against BB King, Keb’ Mo, Justin Timberlake, Gil Scott Heron, Ben Harper, Erykah Badu, CW Stoneking, Alvin Youngblood Hart, Jill Scott, Eric Clapton, Shemekia Copeland, Buddy Guy, Corey Harris, Dr John, Bo Diddley, Amy Winehouse, and that dude who sung the sopranos theme tune.

One by one they would come out on the stage and sing or play the guitar to try and better Steven, he was always gracious, but his pure awesomeness was there for everyone to see. It wasn’t a competition in the end, just a bunch of people lucky enough to share the stage with the man.

He was so good that Justin Timberlake cried, BB King wept, and Amy Winehouse couldn’t stop sniffling.

Ben Harper said, “In all the years that music has been around, since the BC times and beyond when people would use their mouth and bang sticks together in a tribal way, music has always moved people, but with Steven it is as if music comes through his pores, it is the most religious experience you can have, just standing next to him I knew that in some way or another a God existed, through his music he has the chance to bring together Hindus and Jews, Atheists and Raelians, Christians and Buddhists, you could even say he is Buddha, Muhammad and Jesus with a guitar in his hands and a mic at his lips. Inspiring. “

Steven just sat beside him humbly, and then said, “thanks, brother”.

At one stage a crazy fan ran on the stage to try and scalp Erykah Badu, but as you would think, Steven stepped in and within a second Seagal had the scalper eating stage, before letting Jill Scott take him away to kick the shit out of him out the back.

The episode ends with BB King and Steven doing a duet of the Simpson’s theme.

I know what you are thinking, if this episode is just a cat in a tree, why can’t they show it on TV?

They could do the little old lady, Steven going over and telling her it will be all alright, the officers laughing at whoever has to go up the tree, Steven walking behind other sheriffs looking concerned and occasionally shining the torch up the tree and maybe him even saying that the cat is very tense, and not Zen like.

But this isn’t a domesticated cat, this is an ESCAPED TIGER.

The episode starts with Steven and his crew pulling someone over for throwing an empty packet of cigarettes over the edge of a bridge.

Steven says, “hell no”, and jumps out of the car, picks the guy up by the throat, drags him and the car (he forgot to release the seat belt) to the edge of the bridge and tells the guy he has two choices, either Steven will throw him down, or he can get out of the car, go down and pick up the cigarette packet and all the rubbish, or he will become rubbish. The driver then runs down and does his job while Steven gives a brief 12-minute explanation about how important the environment is.

Then they get the call about the Tiger, when they arrive the other Sheriffs have already roped off a cordon around the tree, and the tiger’s handler is in the corner with a open wound to her face.

Steven gets out of the car and asks Eric, the young Sherriff who knows the streets, what the situation is.

“This lady is a tiger trainer, and the tiger jumped her, and is now in this tree”.
“Good job, Eric, I’ll take over from here.”

Steven takes off his belt and weapons, he then takes off his yellow glasses, and puts on his even yellower glasses.

He realises that by climbing up the main section of the tree he will be at the mercy of the tiger, so instead he gets one of the other sheriffs to pull up under a very strong branch.

This whole time the Tiger looks at him in an aggressive way, but it does not approach, but once he is on the branch (he got there with a back flip) he edges closer to the tiger and the tiger edges closer to him.

They engage after only 12 seconds of tension, but on the episode it takes 9 minutes and there is about 100 cut aways to people looking scared with an extremely dramatic tune playing in the background.

Eventually the tiger pounces, yet, as quick as a tiger can be, Steven is quicker and in a flash he is behind the tiger and has the tiger in a chokehold.

The tiger isn’t easy to choke though, it flings Steven back onto his ass, and he just manages to stay on the tree.

When he ha secured himself he looks back in the tigers direction to see the tiger in mid flight with its teeth resplendent in the sheriff’s torchlight coming straight for his throat. Steven then drops himself down at the last moment and the tiger bangs its head on the tree rendering it briefly unconscious.

Steven then picks up the tiger and jumps from the tree with it. It awakes in his arm, but all the hostility is gone and the time looks at Steven like he is a hero.

The lady trainer, still bleeding from the face, comes over to check on her tiger. She thanks Steven while they both play with the tiger and then Steven tells her the correct way to bring up a tiger.

The episode ends when a cat runs out in front of their patrol car and one of Steven’s fellow Sheriffs says, “I could take that one down”.

They all laugh.

Steven is riding around Jefferson County on a Harley Davison, he is so sleek he seems naked and covered in motor oil, and his ponytail trails masculinely behind him.

He drives down a main road, but he gets a feeling that three blocks over there are a pack of wild men raping a teenage girl.

He does a U-Turn in heavy traffic, and has to duck down as his chopper goes under a semi trailer, he comes out of the other side, fixes his yellow night vision glasses and guns it for the scene of the crime.

Quickly he realises there is four assailants there, one of which is left handed, he tells the cameraman, “Years of Martial Arts training has taught me to tell which hand a person is more dominant with by his breathing. A true Zen Martial arts practitioner has no dominant side, but this kid does.”

Seagal is now surveying the scene looking for weak spots, he can hear the girls muffled screams through a pillow from his vantage point 50 yards away, and the camera’s microphone hears no such scream.

He puts his gun back in his holster and proceeds to leap the nearby fence, and then creeps up on the front porch. Being the careful individual he is, he checks all the windows, before deciding which window would be best to enter. Then he quietly calls for back up, asking for a van big enough for 4 men, one of whom is left handed.

Then without a sound that human ears could hear he has entered the building, 38 seconds later he comes out with the girl, covers her in a blanket and tells her that she is safe.

Seagal then re-enters the building, and five loud window smashes are heard. It is him throwing out the rapists onto the front lawn as the rest of the Sheriffs arrive.

When questioned why there are five he says, one was sleeping.

His last to camera is, “This can be a rough neighbourhood, but if I can use my Martial Arts and Zen Mastery to stop just one brutal gang rape, then I’ve contributed to society.”

The rest of the episode is filled up with Seagal buying the team Ice cream.

You might be thinking that the world doesn’t need a blog dedicated to fictionally adapting Steven Seagal’s reality show, but you’d be wrong.

Obviously.

Seagal’s show, brilliant as it is, can’t show us all the controversial kick ass shit he gets up to.

Mostly because the awesome awesomeness of what he does. Your mind would explode if you were seeing 100% uncut Seagal, your reality matrix is not strong enough. Imagine if we were to find out that Seagal’s on screen persona was the real deal, there would be anarchy on the streets, and our friends in the mainstream media have wisely protected us from it.

Instead we see him training dogs, singing and wearing yellow glasses, as these are things we can cope with.

But we still want more, because this is Steven Seagal.

That is where this website steps in, it purports to tell you “fictional” tales of Steven Seagal Lawman, because if I told you these were the truth you’d either doubt me or your head would explode.

Plus I am working on a script for Mr Seagal that involves him beating the asses of a bunch of Aliens, and I figured that if I started this blog I might have a chance of getting my script to him.

I thank you for coming to the site and give you this bit of Seagal wisdom, “It doesn’t work if the bad guys kill his mother’s uncle’s friend’s neighbor’s pet dog. You’ve got to make the stakes high.”