the fictional steven seagal lawman episodes

Here is a song in praise (almost) of Steven Seagal.

Who was that guy eating your pies, maybe it was Steven Seagal.

I got Hoes.

Yes you do.

As everyone knows Steven Seagal plays a can sing a song and jams a mean guitar riff. You can tell from the sweat on his forehead, the look of utter concentration on his face, and the stunning aural assault he pumps out.

One of the aired episodes they show Steven playing a charity show for fucked up children and ripping it up on stage.

Blues is his bag, brother.

He gives you a taste of his talent, but to give you Steven Unplugged, oh my, you couldn’t handle it.

So that gig we saw was just the filtered down version of what happened, because Steven is essentially Robert Johnson’s spirit reincarnate.

This wasn’t a mere charity concert; it was basically a competition to find the world’s best blues guitarist and singer.

Seagal was up against BB King, Keb’ Mo, Justin Timberlake, Gil Scott Heron, Ben Harper, Erykah Badu, CW Stoneking, Alvin Youngblood Hart, Jill Scott, Eric Clapton, Shemekia Copeland, Buddy Guy, Corey Harris, Dr John, Bo Diddley, Amy Winehouse, and that dude who sung the sopranos theme tune.

One by one they would come out on the stage and sing or play the guitar to try and better Steven, he was always gracious, but his pure awesomeness was there for everyone to see. It wasn’t a competition in the end, just a bunch of people lucky enough to share the stage with the man.

He was so good that Justin Timberlake cried, BB King wept, and Amy Winehouse couldn’t stop sniffling.

Ben Harper said, “In all the years that music has been around, since the BC times and beyond when people would use their mouth and bang sticks together in a tribal way, music has always moved people, but with Steven it is as if music comes through his pores, it is the most religious experience you can have, just standing next to him I knew that in some way or another a God existed, through his music he has the chance to bring together Hindus and Jews, Atheists and Raelians, Christians and Buddhists, you could even say he is Buddha, Muhammad and Jesus with a guitar in his hands and a mic at his lips. Inspiring. “

Steven just sat beside him humbly, and then said, “thanks, brother”.

At one stage a crazy fan ran on the stage to try and scalp Erykah Badu, but as you would think, Steven stepped in and within a second Seagal had the scalper eating stage, before letting Jill Scott take him away to kick the shit out of him out the back.

The episode ends with BB King and Steven doing a duet of the Simpson’s theme.