the fictional steven seagal lawman episodes

Of all the dudes you know, I know, and your mates know, Steven Seagal is the most zen.

He is way more zen than your doctor, or my mate Doyle.

But you can’t just be zen all the time, sometimes you’ve got to take out the trash.

In on of our episodes Steven and his team arrive at a house for a domestic disturbance.

The couple is fighting about life, love and lemons.

It isn’t a life threatening situation, but Steven and the team calm them down before it could escalate into something bad.  That is part of being a cop, as Steven explains, “that is part of being a cop”.

During his chat with the husband, Steven realises that the husband is a massive asshole. He tells Steven he hates his films, he thought Under Siege lacked originality, that he is sleeping with his wife’s sister, how he cheats at golf, he never tips, and that he doesn’t shower for days and then stands in hotel lifts. People are often this honest only in the company of superstars.

Steven is appalled, and tries to use zen in his conversation to change this guy, but he is too far gone.

Since there is nothing that can be done from a legal standpoint.  Steven has to leave.

The next few shots show Steven still angry over this guy, but in a variety of pursuits, in the car (he doesn’t shout get em in a car chase), getting a thai massage , at the opening of his new crisps line,  on his sofa, and  while playing monopoly with his family.

The next scene is Steven back in front of the house putting a mask on, he enters the house, grabs the dude by the nose, using only his little finger, and drags him into the backyard where he beats the dude for a full 7 hours.

If others did it, the dude would die, but Steven knows how to beat someone using the aikido teachings to that he can keep him alive and yet give him massive pain. Although Steven does stop for 12 minutes when he gets a stich.

At the end, as the dude is slumped up in his own blood puddle, Steven drops a letter on his chest.

The letter has a list of things that this dude needs to fix or the masked assailant will be back. Including shaving his goatee as it doesn’t really suit his face.

Steven then leaves the house and takes off his mask saying to camera, “sometimes karma needs a helping hand, and foot”.

Then he leaves and gets a hotdog, “Hey brother, can I get a hot dog”, he says to the hotdog vendor.