the fictional steven seagal lawman episodes

Hurricane Katrina was a bitch; I think Steven would agree with me on that.

That is why on some of the real episodes of the show you see Steven going to the homes of hardcore fans, one dude can’t even hold the camera still he is so nervous, to help them get their house together. In the episode Steven looks awkward painting and then gives them some plants.

It is a touching moment, and I really mean that.

No, really I do.

Oh, fuck you then, but I do mean it.

The episode they can’t show you, or for legal purposes, the fictional episode, is way cooler.

Steven doesn’t visit one house to help with painting, be builds five new dream houses in one afternoon, in the morning he trains some dogs.

The man is a wizard of home repair. He uses the aikido principles for construction and they are just as impressive as they were against Tommy Lee Jones.

He could have even made more houses, but in the 5th house something weird happened, while using his zenness to fix a plasterboard problem, he sensed evil in the air.

He turned and 24 ninjas were standing behind him. You or I would be shocked, but Steven is fucken Zen, and he starts taking down each ninja with the plasterboard.

Eventually that breaks, and Steven has enough time to apologise to the homeowners and vow to pay for any damage, before he picks up various tools and gets freaky on the ninjas’ asses.

He uses a hammer to crush one dude’s throat, uses a nail gun to crucify another, and then he gets freaky with a dues little toe and a monkey wrench.

Ninjas just continue to come at him, and he uses all of his martial arts skills, and some of his home renovating skills, to put them down.

Eventually all bar one of the ninjas is left, Steven drops the tools and they fight like martial arts trained men.

This is clearly the best of the Ninjas, hence why he stayed out of the contest to last, and their fight is extreme martial arts and goes on over two ad breaks.

The good ninja does well, but who can beat Steven, no one can, and the Ninja gets turned around while Steven breaks his leg with his little finger.

Steven then goes and gets a blowtorch, and the cameras briefly show the carnage in the rest of house as you can hear a muffled scream from where Steven and the good ninja turned up.

The next shot is Steven to camera,

“Well I have neutralised the threat, after some persuasive conversation the ninja master has told me that he was sent here by an Ex-President who wasn’t happy that we were re-building N’Orleans. I’ll deal with him at another time, I’m just happy I managed to save the house for the Thomsons, now I’ll call my boys down to pick up this mess while I continue the construction. I’m thinking Lilac for this wall.”

Then he continues to fix the house while there are dead or half dead ninjas all around him, he uses one as a step ladder to reach a corner.